Dave Attell Quotes

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

I doubt if you can have a truly wild party without liquor.

A drunkard is like a whiskey-bottle, all neck and belly and no head.

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

I'm the demon alcohol, demon alcohol, demon alcohol, demon alcohol. Let's party.

Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Call things by their right names - Glass of brandy and water! That is the current, but not the appropriate name; ask for a glass of liquid fire and distilled damnation.

Evidence...proves that prohibition only drives drunkenness behind doors and into dark places, and does not cure it or even diminish it.

I wanna get drunk 'til I'm off my mind. One bourbon, one scotch, and one beer.

The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.

The one conclusion I have reached is that whiskey is a great leveler. You might be a hotshot advertising executive or a lowly foundry worker, but if you cannot hold your drink, you are just a drunkard.

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

You don't quite know how drunk you are until all of a sudden you're on the floor.

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.

Ale, man, ale's the stuff to drink for fellows whom it hurts to think.

Whiskey's to tough, Champagne costs too much, Vodka puts my mouth in gear. I hope this refrain, Will help me explain, As a matter of fact, I like beer.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

While I can't walk on water, I can certainly wobble on whisky.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.