Susan Elizabeth Phillips Quotes

Why did the warrior cross the road? [Koldo] That’s easy. To kill the guy on the other side. [Nicola] A bud of amusement had her smiling. Knock, knock. [Koldo] Who’s there? [Nicola] Donut. Donut who? Donut run from me, puny girl.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip

People often ask me what happened to my first husband? And I say, I killed him.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

My puns are not trivial. They are quadrivial

There are people who study germs. I believe they are called Germans

I had so many unsold murder pictures lying around my room...I felt as if I were renting out a wing of the City Morgue.

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I’ll abide by my word, but you will never win me back! Believe me, in two weeks I will slice open your throat, drink from your blood, and then pierce your heart and laugh while your body explodes into dust. (Zephyra) Beautiful imagery. You should write for Hallmark. (Stryker)

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

I had a friend who had two degrees of being made up: when invited I would say 'Can I make up?' and he would say 'Oh yes - tinted?', or he would say, 'Oh yes - clotted?'

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

Physical fitness is in. I recently had a physical fit myself.

I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once." "Huh?" "It said, 'Oeuf.'" "What is that?" "It's a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?

Everybody is a potential murderer. I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."