Bruce Nauman Quotes

Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out who's left in the boat?

Always say 'no pun intended' to draw attention to the intended pun.

What's green, hangs on a wall and whistles? [A Herring]

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

There is a single entendre, but I don't know about a triple one.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

Time flies like an arrow - but fruit flies like a banana.

Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

There is no kind of false wit which has been so recommended by the practice of all ages, as that which consists in a jingle of words, and is comprehended under the general name of punning.

My puns are not trivial. They are quadrivial

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once." "Huh?" "It said, 'Oeuf.'" "What is that?" "It's a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?

Cut off my head, and singular I am, Cut off my tail, and plural I appear; Although my middle's left, there's nothing there! What is my head cut off? A sounding sea; What is my tail cut off? A rushing river; And in their mingling depths I fearless play, Parent of sweetest sounds, yet mute forever.

Un-dish-cover the fish, or dishcover the riddle.

There are people who study germs. I believe they are called Germans

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"