Henny Youngman Quotes

You can't spell squirrel without si, and that's me.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

There are people who study germs. I believe they are called Germans

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!

Pete and Repeat were sitting on a wall. Pete fell off. Who was left? Repeat.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I had a friend who had two degrees of being made up: when invited I would say 'Can I make up?' and he would say 'Oh yes - tinted?', or he would say, 'Oh yes - clotted?'

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.