Steven Wright Quotes

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? ... Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.