George Carlin Quotes

There is a single entendre, but I don't know about a triple one.

I never discuss discussions.

Curiously enough, it seems to be only in describing a mode of language which does not mean what it says that one can actually say what one means.

Can I ask you a question?" "You already have." He paused, considering. "Can I ask you two questions, then?" "You already have.

The simile has to match the tone of its surroundings and has to be like a little joke. Writing a simile that isn't funny on some level is quite hard.

Puns are a form of humor with words.

All we need to do, reader or writer, from first line to final page, is be as open as a book, and be alive to the life in language - on all its levels.

It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood.

My joke is that my father was a minister and my mother was an English teacher, so I'm trained to see the world in terms of symbols, which is hard when you just want to make toast.

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Words are slippery and thoughts are vicious.

I could talk all day, T stands for talking, T stands for tender, T stands for things that don't even rhyme with T.

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

Where is the sound?" someone hastily scribbled on the blackboard, and they all waited anxiously for the reply. Milo caught his breath, picked up the chalk, and explained simply, "It's on the tip of my tongue.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I don't really believe anything I say. Because the nature of my work concerns the spaces between the words, rather than the words themselves.

Some people don't get it when I'm being sarcastic.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

He's very nice. He's something I replied. She considered this zipping her purse shut. Then she said Well everyone is. Everyone is Something. For some reason that stuck with me simple and yet not every since she'd said it. It was like a puzzle as well two vague words with one clear one between them.

I never met a girl I didn't meet