Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Girls don't poop, so don't claim you do. You can fart - because farting is funny - but we don't want to know that you poop.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

We often laughed at others in our house, and I picked up the craft of being polite while people were present and laughing later if there was anything to laugh about.

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt.

I thought grandmothers had to like you. It’s a law or something.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

I dress normal because I want people to treat me regular. And their brains explode. It's really fun.

... Take another glass of wine, and excuse my mentioning that society as a body does not expect one to be so strictly conscientious in emptying one's glass, as to turn it bottom upwards with the rim on one's nose.

I really don't like drunk women; I think it is such a bad look. I think it's very inappropriate and I don't like it. I don't really have drunk friends.

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.

I think that music at inappropriate times with inappropriate volumes can be the funniest thing ever.

The law often permits what honor prohibits.

I don't know how people act. I've never understood that.

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

A lot of our lives are about being polite.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Ladies pick funny things to be proud of.

Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

Honestly, a lot of the human etiquette I learned in life I learned from, like, thank-you notes and dating Jimmy Kimmel.

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"