Dave Attell Quotes

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

I can't say that period talk is my favorite bonding arena. But I also think it's sort of funny.

If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you.

I'm a pretty goofy person. I'm an awkward dancer, for instance, and a terrible singer.

Girls don't poop, so don't claim you do. You can fart - because farting is funny - but we don't want to know that you poop.

I'm sure I've said some pretty bad pick-up lines.

Flirting is funny. And it's awkward and weird.

If something awkward happens, laugh. I don't think I've ever dated a guy who couldn't laugh - even in bed, during intimate times.

Awkwardness is such a gold mine for comedy.

I think it's weird going to the toilet in clothes. I don't like it.

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

I don’t know. D’you think? He’s pretty wide in the chest.” The girl looked at me, and I was frozen. So I said, “Yeah. I work out.” Violet asked me, “What are you? What’s your cup size?” I shrugged and played along. “Like, nine and a half?” I guessed. “That’s my shoe size.” Violet said, “I think he’d like something slinky, kind of silky.” I said, “As long as you can stop me from rubbing myself up against a wall the whole time.” “Okay,” said Violet, holding her hands up like she was annoyed. “Okay, the chemise last week was a mistake.

You're Bes, I guess?" I said. "Yes," he said. "Your car's a mess," Liz muttered. "If one more person rhymes," Emma grumbled, "I'll throw up.

Which weakness shall I tell her? “I walk funny,” I say, and she’s satisfied with that. (inside joke)

People are like, 'How does Julianne Moore look naked?' I don't know. She was pressed up against me the whole time. I couldn't look at her.

I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"

I remember Tallulah (Bankhead) telling of going into a public ladies' room and discovering there was no toilet tissue. She looked underneath the booth and said to the lady in the next stall, 'I beg your pardon, do you happen to have any toilet tissue in there?' The lady said no. So Tallulah said, 'Well, then, dahling, do you have two fives for a ten?'

The Side Effects of Dying in Your Pants isn't really funny… Alright, it's a little funny.

Awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes 'say masturbate, it'll be hilarious'.

God may forgive sins, he said, but awkwardness has no forgiveness in heaven or earth.

Sam laughed, a funny, self-deprecating laugh. "You did read a lot. And spent too much time just inside the kitchen window, where I couldn't see you very well." "And not enough time mostly naked in front of my bedroom window?" I teased. Sam turned bright red. "That," he said, "is so not the point of this conversation.

Poor Mr. Pickwick! ... If he played a wrong card, Miss Bolo looked a small armoury of daggers; if he stopped to consider which was the right one, Lady Snuphanuph would throw herself back in her chair, and smile with a mingled glance of impatience and pity to Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, at which Mrs. Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders, and cough, as much as to say she wondered whether he ever would begin.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.