David Cross Quotes

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Check it out, forgot to say hello to my neighbors. Check it out, sometimes I question my own behavior.

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"

I'm truly amazed at you, Garion," Polgara said. "I didn't think you had the faintest idea of how to speak a civilized language." "Thank you," he said, "I think.

Nudity was an inconvenient but unavoidable part of pack life. We'�d all thought nothing of it before Leah came along. Then it got awkward. - Jacob Black

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

Sex is always funny. I don't find it sexy, I find it really horrifying. But it's an act that we need. And that need, that desire, is what makes it really funny.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.

Boo: "Go talk to her." Callum: "About what?" Boo: "Anything." Callum: "You want me to walk up to her and say, 'Are you a ghost?'" Boo: "I do that." Callum: "I love it when you get it wrong.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

We was going to get you a birthday cake, but we figured you'd drop it.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

Anna followed, keeping a sharp eye out for things he might back into or over. She wondered if Isaac did this all the time-and, if so, how he avoided getting photos in the paper with captions like "Local Alpha Trips Over Child" or "Wolf Versus Street Sign, Street Sign Wins.