Jimmy Carr Quotes

Girls don't poop, so don't claim you do. You can fart - because farting is funny - but we don't want to know that you poop.

I went to an all-boys school, where I played rugby, so ballet wasn't the coolest thing to do.

It's never occurred to me - and I don't know what right mixture of upbringing this was - that my opinion wasn't as important as the alpha males or that I shouldn't try or that I wasn't the funniest one in the room.

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

You see what happens today. Women act like men and want to be treated like women.

People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

The great fault in women is to desire to be like men.

Women can be vivacious. We are allowed more varieties of facial expression and gestures. Men must be rocklike.

That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop.

Now, unless someone's, like, 50 or older, they're meant to behave like girls. And it's a broad stroke: It's not just a moment of being vulnerable and girlish.

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.

I think in times of fear and hysteria in a culture, gender experimentation as it pertains to men has to go underground because it scares people too much and it's too much for people to take on. Especially when a culture is held hostage by fear and hysteria and fundamentalism.

Political correctness is driving machismo underground and recalling effeminacy from exile.

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

Ladies pick funny things to be proud of.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Maleness in America is not absolutely defined; it has to be kept and re-earned every day, and one essential element in the definition is beating women in every game that both sexes play.

The awe and dread with which the untutored savage contemplates his mother-in-law are amongst the most familiar facts of anthropology.

I feel like gender lines are changing. A couple of years ago, it wasn't nearly as OK for guys to like girly-sounding music. But all of a sudden a lot of my guys friends who would like have been really disdainful of female singers are way more accepting.

What is masculine and what is feminine, anyway?

I've worked in pubs for years and you get people challenging you. Challenging your masculinity.

A man who doesn't drink is not, in my opinion, fully a man.