Phyllis Diller Quotes

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

I always joke with people that having nephews is the best birth control there is.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

An old-codger comedy - that's what I want to do.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born ?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

But the three siblings were not born yesterday. Violet was born more than fifteen years before this particular Wednesday, and Klaus was born approximately two years after that, and even Sunny, who had just passed out of babyhood, was not born yesterday. Neither were you, unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

Oh, to be seventy again!

There's no retirement, there's just a few years of non-work by the fire with someone bringing you some tea and relative peace and playing with the grandchildren.

My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.