SPIKE MILLIGAN

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

It's all in the mind, you know.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals.

The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it.

Unbeknown to me, my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me. All the time, I have been working for her.

Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like!

You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big. Seeing the suffering people was terrible, but I think I was more distraught at the needless cruelty to so many animals.