Mitch Hedberg Quotes

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said Can't work today. Have American flu. Never got a dinner!

Two daiquiris withdrew into a corner of a gorgeous room and one told the other a lie.

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

Cancer is always funny.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

It would surpass the powers of a well man nowadays to take up his bed and walk, and I should certainly advise a sick one to lay down his bed and run.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer.

When I have a cocktail, I love a vodka and cranberry. But when I was a kid my mother was really against drinking, because it was so bad for your skin. She'd say, "Stephanie, it's much better to wash your face with vodka."

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat."

In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic.

This is an excellent martini — sort of tastes like it isn't there at all, just a cold cloud.

There cannot be good living where there is not good drinking.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.