Henny Youngman Quotes

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

I wish I could blame it on the choreography, but it's not a musical. I just had a clumsy moment.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

If ever an error had "F" written on it, that grounder did.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

I fell, you see. Trod on my abbot, Father Habit. Oh, dear! I mean.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

George Hendrick simply lost that sun-blown pop-up.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

Montefusco bare-hands it and throws him out. That grounder will make you a traveling salesman in a hurry!

I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Happiness is getting a brown gravy stain on a brown dress.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Across the room, she heard a loud clatter. She looked up to see that Roland ahd fallen out of his chair. The last time she'd glanced at him, he'd been leaning back on tw legs, and now it looked like gravity had finally won. As he stumbled to his feet, Arriane went to help him. She glanced over and offered a hurried wave. "He's okay!" she called cheerily. "Get up!" she whispered loudly to Roland.