Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

You don't want anybody walking into your house and taking a Gatorade out of your refrigerator, you've got to get in there and protect it.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

I don't let guys do hickeys. That's like a dog marking his territory or something.

Men don't want another man to look at their woman because they don't know how to handle it.

Sometimes even if a common friend holds Soha's hand, I get jealous. But other days, she can go out for dinner and dancing with someone and I wouldn't think much about it.

When things don't go right, people are always trying to protect themselves.

The hardest thing about Berlin is letting it belong to other people.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

You’re not the only one who can get possessive. I’m very proprietary about what’s mine.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

What if he wakes up before you get home and steals you blind? (Wayne) Steals what? My clothes won’t fit him and I have nothing of any value. Not unless he likes my Peter, Paul, and Mary collection anyway. (Sunshine)

She’s my mate; that makes her mine. Forgetting that will see your neck no longer serving its purpose.” “I love it when you talk dirty,” she purred. “Give my regards to Lindsay.

If what you own cannot be protected, you own nothing.

If I like it, I say it's mine. If I don't I say it's a fake.

Jealousy is not contemptible, real love has a beak and claws.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

I threw the opening pitch at a Blue Jays game, and after the pitch, the mascot asked me if I wanted him to sign the game ball, which I thought was funny. What would he write? "Best Wishes, Some Guy in a Bird Suit"?"

Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.