Billy Connolly Quotes

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I'm not a big prank guy, because I don't like them done to me. I've been on movies sets where one guys goes into his trailer, and then people move the stairs, and he comes out of his trailer, and there's no stairs. That's not funny! I don't want to be that guy!

A word to the wise is infuriating.

There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'M sick and tired of hearing about me.

Somewhere around the place I've got an unfinished short story about Schrodinger's Dog; it was mostly moaning about all the attention the cat was getting.

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

That was like swatting June bugs off a fly.

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"