Fred Allen Quotes

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny.

If you ask me if I'm okay again, I'm going to smack myself in the face just to punish you.

Why don't you make a contibution to my sanity, and do the one thing you never seem to be able to do... SHUT UP!!!

It's important that I get time to run, to just go for a jog for about 30 minutes. It helps with my voice, but it also kind of gives me a little bit of time to myself - and you get to see a city.

You know what burns me? Matches.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Life is funny. If you don't laugh, you're in trouble.

A word to the wise is infuriating.

Hiking is the best workout!... You can hike for three hours and not even realize you're working out. And, hiking alone lets me have some time to myself.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

I get in a temper with inanimate objects. I can't bear plastic. I do get in a complete rage with something that's been shrink-wrapped.

People only call you 'my dear' when they are irritated with you.

Someday I would change my name to Shut Up and save everybody a lot of time.

I am not menopausal. I just wanted half an hour alone. Is that too much to ask? A crappy half hour!

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

My mind reels with sarcastic replies.

It’s just a mild disagreement, Papa. Remi has this whole need to breathe in and out, which annoys me. If he would just stop breathing, I’d be fine. (Aimee)

Right,' Thomas said. 'Where are we headed?' 'To where they treat me like royalty,' I said. 'We're going to Burger King?' I rubbed the heel of my hand against my forehead and spelled fratricide in a subvocal mutter, but I had to spell out temporary insanity and justifiable homicide, too, before I calmed down enough to speak politely. 'Just take a left and drive. Please.' 'Well,' Thomas said, grinning, 'since you said 'please' - Thomas Raith & Harry Dresden, Small Favor, Jim Butcher

I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a 'sociopath.'

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

One of my favorite things to do is go running early in the morning when everyone in my house is still sleeping. I throw on my iPod, and it's, like, my time.

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.