NOEL COWARD

I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.

The higher the building the lower the morals.

There's always something fishy about the French.

People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.

Just say the lines and don't trip over the furniture.

Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.

Someday I suspect, when Jesus has definitely got me for a sunbeam, my works may be adequately assessed.

Success took me to her bosom like a maternal boa constrictor.

I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.

Squash - that's not exercise, it's flagellation.

Mona Lisa looks as if she has just been sick, or is about to be.

It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

Work is much more fun than fun.

Let's drink to the spirit of gallantry and courage that made a strange Heaven out of unbelievable Hell, and let's drink to the hope that one day this country of ours, which we love so much, will find dignity and greatness and peace again.

Never mind, dear, we're all made the same, though some more than others.

I'll go through life either first class or third, but never in second.

That strange feeling we had in the war. Have you found anything in your lives since to equal it in strength? A sort of splendid carelessness it was, holding us together.

If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday.

We have no reliable guarantee that the afterlife will be any less exasperating than this one, have we?

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.

My body has certainly wandered a good deal, but I have an uneasy suspicion that my mind has not wandered enough.

I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.

I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.