FRED ALLEN

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.