Bill Engvall Quotes

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

You know what burns me? Matches.

If I get one more person telling me I look like Eliot Spitzer, I'm just going to have to play the guy one day.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Take my wife... Please!

Shirley! Don't call me Shirley!

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

Someday I would change my name to Shut Up and save everybody a lot of time.

Don't get your panties in such a twist... and give me back mine.

I'm bored. I need to be entertained. Sam is moping. I may kill him with his own guitar. It would give me something to do and also make him say something. Two birds with one stone!

Don't ask me any questions right now. I'm grumpy and I'll probablly make fun of you. -Effie Kaligaris

Sing!" Grandpa Smedry yelled, his voice echoing down a hallway to the right."Sing!" If he breaks into song I think I might have to strangle myself... I thought, cringing.

God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude! Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

Pray do not interrupt me," he wrote. "I am smiling.

You're Bes, I guess?" I said. "Yes," he said. "Your car's a mess," Liz muttered. "If one more person rhymes," Emma grumbled, "I'll throw up.

Benedick looked to the ceiling as though begging for divine patience. Or for the Lord to strike his sister down. Callie couldn’t quite discern which.

I'm what is known as perimenopausal. "Peri", some of you may know, is a Latin prefix meaning 'SHUT YOUR FLIPPIN' PIE HOLE'.

Oh, lighten up, Clark. I'm the one having scalding hot air directed at my genitals.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

Next time I’ll just send the three of you e-mails. What was I thinking when I decided to have this meeting? (Acheron) Oh, I know. That men who are a couple of thousand years old could actually behave like grownups? (Nick) (Zarek elbowed Nick in the stomach.) Oops. Involuntary arm spasm. (Zarek)