Christopher Moore Quotes

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Oh, lighten up, Clark. I'm the one having scalding hot air directed at my genitals.

Next time I’ll just send the three of you e-mails. What was I thinking when I decided to have this meeting? (Acheron) Oh, I know. That men who are a couple of thousand years old could actually behave like grownups? (Nick) (Zarek elbowed Nick in the stomach.) Oops. Involuntary arm spasm. (Zarek)

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

You know what burns me? Matches.

If I get one more person telling me I look like Eliot Spitzer, I'm just going to have to play the guy one day.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'

You had to learn at a certain age what sarcasm is, you know?

And please don't call me that." I didn't call you 'that', I called you George Washington.

Someday I would change my name to Shut Up and save everybody a lot of time.

Don't get your panties in such a twist... and give me back mine.

Rabo Karabekian: I'm in the middle of a sentence. Circe Berman: Who isn't?.

Stop being so...optimistic, its getting on my nerves." "No problem. Do you want me to be all gloom and doom or just shut up?" "Just shut up." "Can do." "Really? Doesn't seem like it." -Jacob and seth

I'm bored. I need to be entertained. Sam is moping. I may kill him with his own guitar. It would give me something to do and also make him say something. Two birds with one stone!

Don't ask me any questions right now. I'm grumpy and I'll probablly make fun of you. -Effie Kaligaris

I wear a name tag to help people find me. It saves time when you're dealing with idiots.

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here's your sign!

Sing!" Grandpa Smedry yelled, his voice echoing down a hallway to the right."Sing!" If he breaks into song I think I might have to strangle myself... I thought, cringing.

God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude! Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!

I've always admired your ability to be unilaterally irritating.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.