Comedy Fail Quotes

I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, 'Oh, no, I'm joking, I'm joking.'

I wasn't properly performing in Canada. I was just starting out, and when everyone starts out, they're terrible. I'm sure there are some Kellyanne Conway videos of me just really dying on a stage.

I remember the first joke that I made, which went over terribly. I was at my cousin's birthday party in Brooklyn. I was a little kid and she was a little older. They were going around introducing themselves; I was probably four, and I was very eager to impress all of these older New York kids. They went down the line and were like, "I'm Jake," "I'm Jane," "I'm Silvia," and I said, "I'm hungry," because I thought that was really going to bring the house down.

I'm not really a line type of guy. I mean, pick-up lines work for some guys. You gotta really sell that thing hard. I did try one pick-up line, and it failed miserably. I thought it was really funny, but the girl didn't find it very funny.

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I cracked one joke and I was the 'Funkasaurus.'

I've fallen to make people laugh. Often.

One of the big things that we wanted to do was trying to kick out a car window as you're driving after it's been shattered obstructing your view. I mean, that's - I can't count how many movies I've seen that in, and we just thought, you know, like, it could be funny if it just kind of goes wrong and this foot just kind of punctures through the window and gets stuck.

To me, horror and comedy never work. Never worked for me, anyway.

The worst thing ever that you have to explain your joke because I was very disappointed trying to explain why the joke is funny for the interrogator.

In 2013, I had to do 'The Wright Stuff' on about an hour's sleep. I was asked, 'What do you make of the situation in Mali?' and I said, 'Well, I've not seen the film but I know the dog dies in the end.' They were talking about the civil war, and the whole audience took an inward breath. I thought, 'Should I not have revealed the end of the film?'

It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.

There's nothing worse than trying to be funny and not being funny.

I was once doing an improv show and it was my turn to jump on stage and I fell on my face. It's a really terrible way to start a show.

Trying to be funny is arguably the least funny thing you can do.

I actually had a chance to be in Delta Farce, but I couldn't do it because I read the script.

I did an imitation of him to make the crew laugh. To my shock, there was Cary Grant behind me. He got very angry. I was sent all the way from RKO to David Selznick's office and was told not to do it anymore. I thought to myself, 'I must have been pretty good to make him that angry.'

Of all failures, to fail in a witticism is the worst, and the mishap is the more calamitous in a drawn-out and detailed one

If you aim for parody right off the bat and it misses, no offense to the filmmakers, but it is Meet the Spartans.

I literally cannot remember one joke.

I apologize that I made an attempt to be funny and edgy… and it didn't work.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

One of the first TV shows that I did was this prank show. And we did a prank where we took a Michael Jackson impersonator and I played his publisher.I was just really good at my job.We were just about to go onto the field to throw out the first pitch just two weeks after 9\11. It was a huge security breach, and we made a lot of cops look really dumb. Producers of the show thought it would be really funny and I didn't think about it because I was a young dumb comedian. So I got arrested and went to jail in the Bronx, and now I can never go back to Yankee Stadium.

My funny speech wasn't funny. That's not the first time a politician has done that.