Political Humor Quotes

May you be as rich as a Republican and have the sex life of a Democrat.

I have always said, the first Whig [Liberal] was the Devil.

If Donald Trump ran for President, it would be great for us comedians. It would not be good for anybody else, but it would be terrific for us.

You call my candidate a horse thief, and I call yours a lunatic, and we both of us know it's just till election day. It's an American custom, like eating corn on the cob. And, afterwards, we settle down quite peaceably and agree we've got a pretty good country - until next election.

I've always liked Bernie Sanders. I've always wanted to do a Bernie Sanders impression, but I didn't believe people were familiar enough with him to pull it off. And I've gone down the rabbit hole of doing impressions that not everybody gets. It's not fun.

Let's face it. If I was funnier than Ronald Reagan, I would have won in 1980. And he'd be up here tonight trying to laugh away the Bush deficit.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.

Overprotecting intellectual property is as harmful as underprotecting it. Creativity is impossible without a rich public domain. Nothing today, likely nothing since we tamed fire, is genuinely new: Culture, like science and technology, grows by accretion, each new creator building on the works of those who came before. Overprotection stifles the very creative forces it's supposed to nurture.

[Describing a presidential campaign:] A three year diet of rubber chicken and occasional crow.

Jimmy [Carter]'s still mad because I wouldn't take secretary of state. I want to be director of alcohol and firearms.

I joked at our National Convention that our party was nominating a candidate for president who was charismatic, larger than life, memorable, so they wanted to balance the ticket.

I hate to see them take that creche out of the capitol. It could be the only chance we'll ever have to get three wise men in that building.

They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

You know, I'm a comedian the same as Bill Maher and Jon Stewart. We all came up the same way. The three of us have interest in politics; I call us fundits, we're fundits! We're not pundits!

The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.'

When I was at 'SNL,' I would constantly get in arguments, 'Why aren't we more political? We're not going after Bush.' Then look what happened - that Sarah Palin season, they were on fire. It was about something.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

The Vice President has two duties: To daily inquire about the health of the President and to attend the funerals of third world dictators, neither of which interest me.

A worker voting for Mitt Romney is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders.

I do not believe in democracy, but I am perfectly willing to admit that it provides the only really amusing form of government ever endured by mankind.

You have to have a sense of humor if you follow politics. Otherwise, the sheer fraudulence of it all will get you down.

Why did God make so many dumb fools and Democrats?