Groucho Marx Quotes

Well, I have a lot of food references in my work.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Time flies like an arrow - but fruit flies like a banana.

I look cooking! Particularly pad thai.

I wish my name was Cobb. Then they would send over a Cobb salad.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

The goodness of your true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability.

My puns are not trivial. They are quadrivial

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

Pete and Repeat were sitting on a wall. Pete fell off. Who was left? Repeat.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

Cut off my head, and singular I am, Cut off my tail, and plural I appear; Although my middle's left, there's nothing there! What is my head cut off? A sounding sea; What is my tail cut off? A rushing river; And in their mingling depths I fearless play, Parent of sweetest sounds, yet mute forever.

Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in at the ears, excites a titillary motion in those parts; and this, being conveyed by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

In the pun, two strings of thought are tangled into one acoustic knot.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."