Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Tobacco is my favorite vegetable.

Comedy comes from confusion.

I play golf, but sometimes it's so un-relaxing, I have to play tennis to wind down. Now that I think about it, this process is sort of like when I go out for sushi and have to get a slice of pizza afterward.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

The term 'serious actor' is kind of an oxymoron, isn't it? Like 'Republican party' or 'airplane food.'

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I went to culinary school to eat.

I chop 'em into salad and my name ain't Caesar.

If God had wanted me to lose weight he would have made sure there was creamed spinach for dessert.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

Unless I am very much mistaken...I AM very much mistaken...!

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

Obviously I was either onto something, or on something.

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

I need to develop some patience - immediately.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

God displayed a sense of humor when he configured the region between our legs an entertainment complex built around a sewage system.

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

Humor is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.

I’m not a good faster. My friends have visions of God, I have visions of hamburgers. The only time I watch the Food Channel is when I’m fasting. It’s pitiful. We did a 40 day fast. I bought 29 cookbooks. I don’t cook, but the pictures! I bought a deep-fryer and we don’t eat deep-fried food!