Phyllis Diller Quotes

I never thought I'd refer to myself as a hot mess.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

The house you live in will never fall down, if you pity the stranger who stands at your door.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

My eyes widened at the ball of orange fluff squeezing out from under the counter, blinking and stretching. I looked again, not believing. “It’s a cat,” I said, winning the Pulitzer prize for incredible intellect.

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

Do you think me cruel?” Neith asked. “Oh, yes, I collect the pockets of my enemies.” “Horrifying,” I said. “I didn’t know demons had pockets.” “Oh, yes.” Neith glanced in either direction, apparently to be sure no one was eavesdropping. “You just have to know where to look.

There's nothing quite as irksome as someone else's mess.

And what would happen to my illusion that I am a force for order in the home if I wasn't married to the only man north of the Tiber who is even untidier than I am?

I sat up in bed. "What did he say?" Tyson groaned, still half asleep. He was lying facedown on the couch, his feet so far over the edge they were in the bathroom. "The happy man said...bowling practice?" I hoped he was right, but then there was an urgent knock on the suite's interior door. Annabeth stuck her head in--her blonde hair in a rat's nest. "DISEMBOWLING practice?

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

I know which side my bread is buttered on: the side which falls on the carpet.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

In this dark world where he now dwelt, ugly things and surprising things and once in a long while a tiny wondrous thing spilled out at him constantly; he could count on nothing.

Are you done yet?' Issac called Charles tilted his head back and called back, 'I suppose that's why they call you the five minute wonder.' Anna could feel her eyes round and her mouth drop open 'I cant believe you just said that' She paused and reconsidered. 'I am so telling Samuel you said that.' Charles smiled. kissed her gently, and said 'Samuel won't believe you.

I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!

How is Eric?' 'Very tightly wound. Plus, a lot of stuff happened that he'll tell you about.' 'Thanks for the warning. I'll go to the house now. You're my favorite breather.' 'Oh. Well ... great.' She hung up.

What's up?" Christian asked. "Need some hairstyling tips?" "Tips you stole from me? No thanks. But I hear you've got a really good bacon meatloaf recipe." It was worth it then and there to see his complete and total surprise. "Since when do you cook?" he finally managed to stammer. "Oh, you know. I'm a Renaissance man. I do it all. Send it if you've got it, and I'll give it a try. I'll let you know if I make any improvements." His smirk returned. "Are you trying to impress a girl?" "With cooking?" I pointed at my face. "This is all it takes, Ozera.

Perfectionism means that you try not to leave so much mess to clean up. But clutter and mess show us that life is being lived.

If letters had eyebrows, these would be arched.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

I'm a barrel of monkeys, kid, though mostly I figure monkeys stuck in a barrel are just going to be pissed off.

But the dust! And the clutter! My housewifely and scholarly instincts were equally offended.