Armistead Maupin Quotes

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

I do things, and other people laugh at them. I rarely know what the joke is supposed to be or why they're laughing.

I'll do almost anything for a laugh.

My mother thinks Mick Jagger is a foreign car.

I pretty much will do anything for a laugh.

I guess when I think about it, one of the things I like to dramatise, and what is sometimes funny, is someone coming unglued. I don't consider myself someone who is making the argument that I support these choices. I just think it can be funny.

You can't imagine what satisfaction can be gotten from throwing a pie into someone's face.

I think life would be so much funnier if every day you saw someone walking down the street getting hit in the head by a monkey, don't you?

My parents are cartoons. When they come up and visit, they're hilarious. My mother somehow finds a way to get in the way of everything.

It's just my natural way - to be funny. I don't know why that is. But as I've said, humor is a quick cover for shock, horror, confusion. The critics hate funny writers for the most part. They think funny is not serious, but I think that funny can be even more serious than nonfunny. And it can be more affecting, too.

One character mistook me for the model and remarked 'That Man-Tan sure works wonders!' That ain't Man-Tan. I'm tan, man. From my head to my toes.

The first 'Interdimensional Cable' episode is amazing because it's filled with such absolute drunken nonsense.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

The Fomorians skittered backward, away from me, looking justifiably confused. I mean, really, how many human women actually run to them? And I was a human woman covered in swamp yuck, with wild red hair sticking out in matted hunks and arms flailing like a demented Bride of Frankenstein. I'd run from me.

Go and see whether the Doctor is about,’ said Jack, ‘and if he is, ask him to look in, when he has a moment.’ Which he is in the fish-market, turning over some old-fashioned lobsters. No. I tell a lie. That is him, falling down the companion-way and cursing in foreign.

I like Bret Easton Ellis' sense of humor. I feel like mine is sometimes similar to his. And how his characters sometimes seem really confused in a humorous manner. I like that. And I have that sometimes in my characters.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I’m going back to bed,” Grandma said when Mooner and Dougie left. “This doesn’t look too interesting. I liked it better the other night when you were on the floor with the bounty hunter.” Morelli gave me the same kind of look Desi always gave Lucy when she’d just done something incredibly stupid. “It’s a long story,” I said. “I bet.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

How long have you been a Wiccan?' 'A what?' 'A pagan. A witch.' 'I'm not a witch,' I said, glancing out the door. 'I'm a wizard.' Sanya frowned. 'What is the difference?' 'Wizard has a Z' He looked at me blankly. 'No one appreciates me.' I muttered.

Don't ever have two dogs. That way you won't know which one to blame.

We were lining up and counting off nice and easy till you came stumbling through like a doped-up bull,' Minho responded.