Steven Wright Quotes

When you knock people out, it's sometimes a very scary situation - but I always hoped that no one got seriously hurt. Now when I see them get knocked out, I laugh. When you finish the game, it's funny. And when I look at film of myself, I think, 'I wouldn't fight that guy.'

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.

Some of them … are tripping one another up, while others are twisting each other and groveling together in the mud, wallowing like swine … Others standing upright, … are attacking each other with blows and kicks … one looks as if he were going to spew out his teeth, unlucky man, his mouth full of blood and sand …. Nobody can easily convince me that men who do these things are not out of their minds.

Why did the warrior cross the road? [Koldo] That’s easy. To kill the guy on the other side. [Nicola] A bud of amusement had her smiling. Knock, knock. [Koldo] Who’s there? [Nicola] Donut. Donut who? Donut run from me, puny girl.

We're all endowed with God-given talents. Mine happens to be hitting people in the head.

I've got a group who can't play music, one bad comedian plus boyfriend, a nervous breakdown calling himself a magician, two coachloads of 70-year-old religious maniacs looking for a fight and a fancy-dress contest that nobody knew about.

So Stephanie.. you wanna say let the bodies hit the floor... I would say... let the boobies hit the floor!

Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with.

Ted Lewis could make the clarinet talk. What it said was put me back in the case!

The State trained us to make other people's terrible jokes work, which is the other part of the game when you're here.

Humor is not far from my vocabulary.

No one employed [ chaos] better than Jim Henson, by the way, on The Muppets. He had all these chicken Muppets that just brought in the most glorious chaos to whatever scene they were a part of.

Life is often confusing and sad, and I'm a big fan of the slap and the tickle, as they say.

Gene Wilder characters wanted to be calm, but to the great delight of audiences, they rarely succeeded.

I kid because I'm on basic cable.

I don't know if there's anything intrinsically funny about Tae Kwon Do.

The kind of über-objective is to make people laugh. You always have to have that in the back of your mind, "Eh, I've got to figure out a way to make this funny."

A good musical comedy consists largely of disorderly conduct occassionally interrupted by talk.

[Keeping Up with the Joneses] is not one of those movies where people get shot and fall down and there's no reality of what would happen if you got shot and knocked over a motorcycle. It's meant to be a slight comedy in that sense.

You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

And I could always set Coach Hedge on fire,” Leo volunteered. “Then he can be fire.” The thought of a blazing satyr screaming, “Die, scumbag!” as he attacked Gaea was almost enough to make Piper laugh— almost.