Sports Humor Quotes

When I was coaching with the Patriots, the players pulled a practical joke and I said, 'Do you think I'm Charlie the Tuna, like a sucker?' After that, they called me Tuna.

Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting.

Kyriakos Papadopoulos is really funny. So is Karim Bellarabi. They are full of jokes in the dressing room.

I remember once in high school the umpire called me out at third base when I was sure I was safe. I got so mad I took out my glass eye, handed it to him and said, 'Try this.' I got such a laugh you wouldn't believe.

I don't always answer bird calls, but, when I do, they're from Tom Brady and Gronk.

Mike, did you ever see the movie 'Cast Away?' In that movie, Tom Hanks' only friend was a ball named Wilson. In this game, Russell Wilson's only friend is a football.

One of my favorite things about the D-League was going on the road and losing and not having to talk to anyone after the game.

My high-school coach Tony Reginelli was kind of famous for 'Reggie-isms,' kind of like 'Yogi-isms.' He always said if you want to be a good quarterback, when sprinting left you want to be amphibious and throw left-handed. I told him, 'You mean ambidextrous, coach?'

I can play anywhere. First, third, left field, anywhere but Philadelphia.

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.

You know what God told the Cubs? Don't do anything until I come back.

I'm really good at mini-golf. You know, maybe not big person golf, but little person golf.

God bless Tony Romo.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

My golf must be improving, I'm not hitting as many spectators.

The life of the golfer is not all gloom; There's always the lies in the locker room.

I always look in the Sunday paper to see where Everton are in the league - starting, of course, from the bottom up.

When I've got nothing better to do, I look down the league table to see how Everton are getting along.

I have had an amazing career for a man who hits things for a living.

Medieval theologians used to dispute how the angels in the heaven spent their time, when not balancing on needle points and singing anthems to the Lord. I know. They slump glued to their clouds, glasses at the ready, as the Archangel Micheal (that well-known slasher) and stonewalling St Peter open against the Devils XI. It could not be Heaven, otherwise.

If Jack Nicklaus had to play my tee shots, he couldn't break 80. He'd be a pharmacist with a string of drugstores in Ohio.

So instead of the Super Bowl, we've got the Stupor Bowl. Two once-proud teams, now 0-4 and stumbling through the season like zombies. And if you think the Cowboys are bad (and they are), the Redskins are so bad that every few plays you have to put a mirror under thieir noses to make sure they're still breathing.

It's funny to me because everyone says I'm injury prone. That's hilarious to me because I've never blown a hammy or a shoulder or anything like that, knock on wood.