MARK RUSSELL

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

I'll keep doing it until I die or the audiences die.

You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!

We're just moving along as quick as possible.

If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once.

You know that a given in life in human nature, is that at a sporting event, a baseball game, a football game, you never introduce a politician, is because he'll be booed. I don't care if he's the most beloved person in the world, its part of the game.

The thing that you're faulted on today is not that you are too tough, or not that you aren't careful. It's that you might have been too soft. People want that red meat now because you have to keep up with the mood and the mood today is harsh. It really is.

If you call your opponent a politician, it's grounds for libel.

Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it.

You know when Jerry Ford gets the best joke, you know you're in trouble.

The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it.

Rush has done some top-notch quality work, and we're very, very pleased with them. We really enjoy working with them. They are on time and on budget, which makes me happy.

I can't think of a performer who is better on television than in person.

People are not in a good mood when any politician's face appears on television.

I believe that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business... my business!

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.

President George W. Bush looked into Russian President Vladimir Putin’s eyes and said “I saw his soul.” Putin looked into Bush’s eyes---and saw NOTHING.

What do members of Congress say to each other every Wednesday? Have a nice weekend!

There is nothing more frightening to a political satirist than an honest administration.

The reason the President’s office is oval is so he can’t corner an intern.

Do I have comedy writers? Of course I have writers—535 of them—100 in the Senate and 435 in the House.

Definition of Moron: What the Republicans would call George W. Bush if he were the Democratic President

The only time the Democrats and the Republicans are together is when they are voting for their own pay raise.

I gave Romney some advice. I said “Mitt, just relax and be one of your selves.”

The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!