ART BUCHWALD

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

So far things are going my way. I am known in the hospice as The Man Who Wouldn't Die. I don't know if this is true or not, but I think some people, not many, are starting to wonder why I'm still around.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

Tax reform is taking taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed.

Nothing beats Reaganomics—though herpes can run it pretty close.

Ronald Reagan's advisors know that if he goes to sleep for even five minutes during the second debate, he'll be in trouble.

We have a two-party, three-network system.

People in Washington do things that they shouldn’t do because they owe somebody.

Washington is riddled with unstable people who are either depressed or make other people depressed.

To help people who do not have any hope, helps you.

I couldn't stand people writing about me the way I write about politicians.

Everybody in Washington works for me.

George W. Bush reminds every American woman of her first husband.

Humor is hostility.

Nixon put a lot of bread on my table ... I became rich thanks to Richard Nixon.