Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

You know, I've always thought that it would be really funny if somebody made a romantic comedy where absolutely everything went well from beginning to end.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Best fight ever in a movie: 'They Live.' I want to do a martial arts version of that, where you think it's ended, and it just keeps on going. I love that fight. It was funny as well. Unexpected.

I always thought it was funny that my grandparents had bought a ticket to New York and ended up in Glasgow.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

I threw the opening pitch at a Blue Jays game, and after the pitch, the mascot asked me if I wanted him to sign the game ball, which I thought was funny. What would he write? "Best Wishes, Some Guy in a Bird Suit"?"