Clarence Darrow Quotes

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'

That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, 'She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.

Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.

I'm definitely voting for First Gentleman.

Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win.

Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.

I'm a politician, and as you know, politicians are rarely very funny.

Being the Republican front-runner was three of the most exciting hours of my entire life. I've come to grips with it, and the only lasting effect is that I refuse to go on a stage that has more than one podium on it.

Ross Perot. I could have had a ball with him.

When George Bush asked me to sign on, it obviously wasn't because he was worried about carrying Wyoming. We got 70 percent of the vote in Wyoming, although those three electoral votes turned out to be pretty important last time around.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

If Donald Trump ran for President, it would be great for us comedians. It would not be good for anybody else, but it would be terrific for us.

I didn’t think that I would ever get elected. After all, you don’t vote for somebody who is attacking Santa Claus.

The way this works for us Presidents is … we always tell whoever wins that we were crossing our fingers.

People lose their sense of humor in [presidential] campaigns.

I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don't feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience.

I predict after this whole thing is over, what we'll remember about the failed candidacy of Donald Trump is, 'You're fired.'

I really want to train Hillary Clinton.

I think politics is extremely funny in and of itself.

I do enjoy Dennis Miller, I do enjoy Chris Rock when they do their political humor, but it's never been my goal... I love relatable humor.

Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.