Steven Wright Quotes

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

You know, I've always thought that it would be really funny if somebody made a romantic comedy where absolutely everything went well from beginning to end.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Best fight ever in a movie: 'They Live.' I want to do a martial arts version of that, where you think it's ended, and it just keeps on going. I love that fight. It was funny as well. Unexpected.

I always thought it was funny that my grandparents had bought a ticket to New York and ended up in Glasgow.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

Birds, except when broiled and in the society of a cold bottle, bored him stiff.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!

I had one kid with the birth control pill, I had one with the diaphram and I had one with the I.U.D. I don't even know what happened with my I.U.D. It never came out. But I have my suspicions because that kid picks up HBO.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

I threw the opening pitch at a Blue Jays game, and after the pitch, the mascot asked me if I wanted him to sign the game ball, which I thought was funny. What would he write? "Best Wishes, Some Guy in a Bird Suit"?"

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.