Ellen DeGeneres Quotes

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.

Whiskey's to tough, Champagne costs too much, Vodka puts my mouth in gear. I hope this refrain, Will help me explain, As a matter of fact, I like beer.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

Well it's hard to remember who, but I drunk dial a lot.

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

It's not a crime to get drunk.

Drink not the third glass, which thou canst not tame, when once it is within thee.

Not drunk is he who from the floor - Can rise alone and still drink more; But drunk is They, who prostrate lies, Without the power to drink or rise.

Things get so sloppy when you're under the influence.

I spent a lot of time between bars like this.

While I can't walk on water, I can certainly wobble on whisky.

I doubt if you can have a truly wild party without liquor.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

The piano has been drinking, not me.

I used to like whiskey. But it's been a long time since I've been drunk.

Come, for my part I will have only those glorious, manly pleasures of being very drunk, and very slovenly.

The Prophet hath cursed ten persons on account of wine: one, the first extractor of the juice of the grape for others; the second, for himself; the third, the drinker of it; the fourth, the bearer of it; the fifth, the person to whom it is brought; the sixth, the waiter; the seventh, the seller of it; the eighth, the eater of its price; the ninth, the buyer of it; the tenth, that person who hath purchased it for another.

At the third cup, wine drinks the man.

... like Daniel Webster after taking a pint of brandy.