P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

I work very hard to keep on an even keel as far as alcohol is concerned.

I've never taken drugs. My drug, I suppose, is drink. I never drink before I sing, but I do make up for it when I come off!

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

It's not a crime to get drunk.

I don't drink. I don't like it. It makes me feel good.

Drinking spirits cannot cause spiritual damage.

Drinking is a remarkable, automatic release and a way of relaxing.

The piano has been drinking, not me.

Abstinence from spirituous liquors is the best safeguard of morals and health.

I am not a member of any temperance society; but I am temperate, in this, that I don’t drink anything.

Drunkenness was attacked in the same manner; it was discountenanced on every occasion by those who had charge of any department: its destructive and pernicious effects were frequently stated by his own more prudent comrades, at the proper moment when the individual was soberly suffering from the effects of his previous excess; pot- and public-houses were gradually removed from the immediate vicinity of their dwellings; the health and comfort of temperance were made familiar to them; by degrees drunkenness disappeared, and many who were habitual bacchanalians are now conspicuous for undeviating sobriety.

It used to take a day to get over the partying. But I don't party anymore. I don't miss it, either.

I have never been drunk in my life, and I don't expect I ever will be.

It's not like I'm against alcohol. It's just a decision I made, and if you've never had it, you don't miss it. I've been drenched in champagne a few times over my career. I might have a drink if England win the World Cup. That's one moment where I might.

What is a gathering without unseemly drunkenness?

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

The relationship between a Russian and a bottle of vodka is almost mystical.

An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.

Ireland sober is Ireland stiff.

A little in drink, but at all times your faithful husband.

Seeing people get messed up never gets un-funny! And there's plenty of ways to do that.

It is not true that drink changes a man's character. It may reveal it more clearly.

Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.