Russell Peters Quotes

Your great puddin' of a son don' need fattin' anymore Dursley, don't worry

I liked Lost in Space,” Stefan said. “The movie or the TV series?” “The movie? Right. I had forgotten about the movie,” he said soberly. “It was better that way.

Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

My doctor told me I should get out of breath three times a week, so I took up smoking.

I just saw a girl who said she saw John Lennon walking down the street in New York wearing a button that said, "I love Paul.” She asked him: “Why are you wearing an 'I love Paul' button?”, and he said: “Because I love Paul.

I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter.

I swear, Kat, you drive like you’re playing a video game. (Cassandra) Yeah, yeah. Wanna see the ray gun I have under the hood to zap them if they don’t get out of my way? (Katra)

There's enough people that do unfunny music. I'll leave the serious stuff to Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline.

We...we could be friends.' We COULD be rare specimens of an exotic breed of dancing African elephants, but we're not. At least, I'M not.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

It's ironic how I drop some 'DOUGH' (Doh) when I got them Homer Simpsons.

Exercise is the most awful illusion. The secret is a lot of aspirin and marrons glaces.

I went to work one morning, and outside my door was Cindy Crawford in a black bra, and I thought that very clearly the building is making progress in integrating itself into various layers of our culture.

I am 5ft 6in and weigh about 11 stone - about a stone overweight, but that's because of my brain.

Eleven on a scale of ten, honey, let me introduce you to my redneck friend.

I get my exercise being a pallbearer for those of my friends who believed in regular running and calisthenics.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

Does it give you déjà voodoo how alike the houses are?" "That's déjà vu, and I hate you right now

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall. "Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question." "D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock concern. "Think I did," said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.