Jim Gaffigan Quotes

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

If you're into a leather-jacketed crime fighter and his artificially intelligent robotic supercar, tune into 'The Good Wife.' If, on the other hand, you prefer the misadventures of a freelance itinerant trucker and his simian sidekick, check out 'The Walking Dead.' Or DVR them both and go talk to your family.

I could do without 'cool' publications calling me 'mom jazz.' But I laughed all the way to the bank, baby.

All I can say is thank God my stepdaughter's favourite band in the whole wide world is The Beatles. We do have dance parties to 'Wannabe' though.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Anybody who knows me knows I would never read a comic book. And I certainly would never read anything written by Kevin Smith.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice.

I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.

If someone says, 'I love 'Jessica Jones!'' I just say, 'Thanks, I love you back!'

I have quite a collection of ironic band T shirts.

As a former writer for the 'National Lampoon,' I've probably contributed to the sea of sarcasm in which we live.

It's like, 'Twilight' was voted the worst movie of all time, and I'm like,'Can I please have the worst movie of all time? Please? Half of that?'

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I am so hip even my errors are correct

Sometimes I'll say, "When Sandy Bullock and I were doing Speed - the movie, not the drug." Just in case someone's listening.

Eww," Jack said, and then giggled. "Yeah, and a Paris Hilton doll that had an optional brain."Aphrodite raised her brow at him. "Don't go all crazy. There are some things even Paris Hilton can't buy.

I love country music, but I find it very hard to take it seriously. I also think a lot of country music is sung with the tongue in cheek, so I do it tongue in cheek.

Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: "Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

I liked Lost in Space,” Stefan said. “The movie or the TV series?” “The movie? Right. I had forgotten about the movie,” he said soberly. “It was better that way.

I just saw a girl who said she saw John Lennon walking down the street in New York wearing a button that said, "I love Paul.” She asked him: “Why are you wearing an 'I love Paul' button?”, and he said: “Because I love Paul.

There's enough people that do unfunny music. I'll leave the serious stuff to Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.