Ellen DeGeneres Quotes

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

I grew up loving X-Men, Spider-Man and Batman.

Eeek,” Shane said. Nothing. Right, Amazon princess, I got the point.

Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.

The Doctor: It's my nose; it has special powers. Nancy: Yeah? That why it's so...? The Doctor: What? Nancy: Nothing. The Doctor: What? Nancy: Nothing. Do your ears have special powers too?

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

Everybody funny, now you funny too.

A lot of the things I say I'm just trying to be funny... I don't really mean everything I say, because I'm not totally that airhead.

Don’t you listen to them, Rexy,” I cooed, and the cat sniffed my nose. “Rachel is a smart girl. She’s not going to go out with a ghost no matter how sexy he is. She knows better. Jenkskie wenskie can just get bent.” I beamed at Jenks, and he made an ugly face. “Rache, put my cat down before you mess with her kitty brain.

President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.

True wit, to every man, is that which falls on another.

Goodness gracious me,” exclaimed Alexia, “what are you wearing? It looks like the unfortunate progeny of an illicit union between a pair of binoculars and some opera glasses. What on earth are they called, binocticals, spectaculars?” The earl snorted his amusement and then tried to pretend he hadn't. “How about glassicals?” he suggested, apparently unable to resist a contribution.

Derek caught my arm again as I started to move--at this rate, it was going to be as sore as my injured one. "Dog," he said, jerking his chin toward the fenced yard. "It was inside earlier." Expecting to see a Doberman slavering at the fence, I followed his gaze to a little puff of white fur, the kind of dog women stick in their purses. It wasn't even barking, just staring at us, dancing in place. "Oh, my God! It's a killer Pomeranian." I glanced up at Derek. "It's a tough call, but I think you can take him.

You make us look bad', complained Toad. 'You looked bad before I ever met you', Jon told him.

That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?

They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love.

There's enough people that do unfunny music. I'll leave the serious stuff to Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline.

Hey," Dopey said when I was finished reading. "How come they never mentioned me? I'm the one who found the skeleton." "Oh, yeah," Sleepy said in disgust. "Your role was really crucial. After all, if it wasn't for you, the guy's skull might still have been intact.

Are you accusing me of reading? ~ Ridley

I tell very mean jokes.

You switched the days," I said, dismayed. "You blew the tire. You..." I trailed off, probably because the next words out of my mouth were either going to be "You are enough to do this?" or "You're destined for a life of crime." It was a toss-up either way.

That leaves Decker and what's his name, Mr. I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt.

I auditioned for 'Cats' - I didn't sing but I was able to cough up a hairball.