You know when I told you the joke about how a friend will help you move, but a real friend will help you move a body? I was only kidding.
The key to gallows humor is to make the joke, no matter how certain the gallows is.
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
Two cannibals were eating a comedian, and one of them turns to the other and asks, 'Does this taste funny to you?
And one of his partners asked Has he vertigo? and the other glanced out and down and said Oh no, only about ten feet more.
Stop smiling. Every time you smile, an angel dies.
When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin. I wonder would they know it was me?
I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.
Come on up, boys -I'm dead.
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
I've changed my mind. I've decided that at the end I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered over someone I don't like.
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
There are probably about 50 comedians who would come to my 50th birthday party but I'm not sure how many of them would come to my funeral.
And the last thought he had that morning as he closed his eyes was: I hope the tornado hit the moose.
Don’t worry if I lay my head back and start to snore while we’re flying. It’s normal. I’m just here in case Jake has a stroke and dies. (Tony)
Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
You're a mad scientist,' said Maggie, in what may well have been intended as a reassuring tone. 'We don't expect you to be nice. We just go to bed every night hoping you won't mutate us before we wake up.' Dr. Abbey blinked at her. 'That's...almost sweet. In a disturbing sort of a way.
That's brain tissue. How can you-?" Claire shut her mouth, fast. "Never mind. I don't think I wanna know." "Truly, I think that's best. Please take it." He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. "I'm giving you a piece of my mind." "I so wish you hadn't said that.
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
She likes us,” said Umbo. “I know, I could feel it too,” said Rigg. “She’s really glad to have us here. I think she loves us like her own children.” “Whom she murdered and cut up into the stew.” “They were delicious.
Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.
