J. P. DONLEAVY

When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin.

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

To marry the Irish is to look for poverty.

I got disappointed in human nature as well and gave it up because I found it too much like my own.

I'm starved for love. Not ordinary love but real love. The love that's like music or something.

On Being Old. It's not nice but take comfort that you won't stay that way for ever.

See all the women seated, youth in their face lifts, old age in their hands.

Revenge is what I want. Nothing but pure unadulterated revenge. But my mother brought me up to be a lady.

If you're going to love somebody, love somebody who needs it.

The purpose of writing is to make your mother and father drop dead with shame.

I remember one letter from a girl in a midwestern town who read one of my books and thought she had discovered it- that no one had ever read it or knew about it. Then one day in her local library she found cards for one or two of my other books. They were full of names- the books were borrowed all the time. She resented this a bit and then walked around the town looking in everybody's face and wondering if they were the ones who were reading my books. That is someone I write for.

Rid the mind of knowledge when looking for pleasure. Or start thinking and find a lot of pain.

When you don't have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it's sex. When you have both, it's health. If everything is simply jake, then you're frightened of death

Expect the worst and that's what you'll get only it will be much worse.

I'm all for Christianity, but insolence must be put down.

The inhabitants will always see both sides of an argument so long as it can result in a fight.

Dear Mr Skully, I have caught my neck in a mangle and will be indisposed for eternity. Yours in death S.D.

When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin. I wonder would they know it was me?

Food Throwers: Begun usually by estranged couples, once this victual flinging starts, everyone will do it...Should your dinner party have become an out of control concussion match with opponents catapulting croutons and petits pois across the mahogany, don't fight it, go with it. And when you have the desire to quell the uprising approach the original perpetrator from behind. There, slowly crown her with the contents of the fresh fruit salad bowl. But be warned. Although this immobilizes and rivits everyone's attention it also gives them new ideas.

Electronic books are a bad thing because they cannot be accumulated on shelves to remind you of your past, to impress your neighbors and colleagues, and to help prevent divorces thanks to the sheer bother of arguing over who owns what.

The best book of the year, Grobel's writing is quite marvelous. The Hustons reads vividly, just like one of John Huston's great films.

At the age of 18 I don't think that I thought very differently than I did at the age of 25. I think we instinctively have the knowledge and adapt the knowledge we need.

You know, there must be happiness somewhere, when a lawyer dies.

And no. I must not go on thinking. For the pain will never go away. You just go on and live. In the dust of desertion. Still falling where last I loved.