J. P. Donleavy Quotes

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

Hell no. When I die I want to be sick.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

Afraid of death? Not at all. Be a great relief. Then I wouldn't have to talk to you.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

Everybody is a potential murderer. I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.

I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.

I don't want to just die a normal death, I wanna be killed twice.

Oh, this beer here is cold, cold and hop-bitter, no point coming up for air, gulp, till it's all--hahhhh.

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

The cannon thunders... limbs fly in all directions... one can hear the groans of victims and the howling of those performing the sacrifice... it's Humanity in search of happiness.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

Old age is - a lot of crossed off names in an address book.

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole.

Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

I longed to return to that bloody riverbank, to throw myself in the path of the final arrow, to die ignorant, and so, in love. Better to be killed by an arrow than by the words of the one I most trusted.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if you put up the sails, the boat tips way over, and you could spill your beer.

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

It is difficult to see anything but infatuation in the destructive temperament which leads to the action ... that each of us is to rejoice that our several units are to be distinguished at death into countless millions of organisms; for such, it seems, is the latest revelation delivered from the fragile tripod of a modern Delphi.