Joan Rivers Quotes

My husband says it is very good that I have very tiny feet, because they're easier to get in my mouth.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

It's rather difficult to think of anybody being really interested in me. But you know, man, I am totally together.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

You're quite tall.' Just what a girl wants to be reminded of.

I don't like myself. I'm not vain at all. I hate looking at myself - I always think I look ugly. Honest.

I don't think it's ever easy to be funny. I find it easy to amuse myself with a certain sort of cynical dark humor that tends toward the meaner side, like my character in Happy Gilmore. Those kinds of characters come easily to me.

Do you think there’s anything to eat in this forest?” “Yes,” said the wizard bitterly, “us.

I don't think I know a single woman who knows what she looks like.

If I’m not back in a few hours…well, I don’t want to think about that. I might change my mind about doing this. I’m thinking happy thoughts. Creamed dog innards and rotten steak. Yeah. Yum! (Asmodeus)

Obviously, when I came to do the movie I knew that I was going to have to take my clothes off so I might have worked a little bit harder to keep myself fit. But I think that's the irony of it - you see all these fit and healthy people, and I'm not making any comments on it, but everybody deep down is a f**k up somewhere.

Sometimes I think I'm a really interesting guy.

Some of the most beautiful people in the whole world wake up some days and they don't think that they're pretty.

Ah, gentle dames! it gars me greet To think how monie counsels sweet, How monie lengthened sage advices, The husband frae the wife despises.

I don't mind people thinking I'm stupid, but I don't want to give them any proof.

We all start out thinking that there is such a thing as perfection and that there's something wrong with us if we settle for less. First we won't eat the food with the brown spots. Then we hate ourselves because we have our own brown spots—pimples or ears that are too big or legs that are too skinny.

Be honest, how hideous do I look?" He took another step back and pursed his lips. "That bad, huh?" I muttered. No, no Bella. Actually. . ." He seemed to be struggling for the right word. "You look. . .sexy." I laughed out loud. "Right." Very sexy, really.

We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God - I am killing me!

Am I hideous, Jane? Very, sir: you always were, you know.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

An optimist in Canada is someone who think things could be worse

Normally as an actress you're constantly worried that people think you don't look good enough. It's just like an unnecessary stress that's just frustrating.