Alan King Quotes

I just like Raisin Bran - it keeps me regular.

you aren't what you eat - you are what you don't poop.

To be honest, bread constipates me, and I like to have my daily bowel movement.

I'm not a flag waver for obesity. It's not healthy, and you have a crap life because there is such a downer on it.

Health-wise, I couldn't have said what my life expectancy would've been if I'd just carried on doing solid blocks of stand-up.

If you play in the NFL and start for 10 years, it's not good. It is not good.

The Faustian trade of the 20th century was, we got 30 years of additional life, but in return we got heart disease, cancer, stroke, Alzheimer's and sensory impairments. The question is: What Faustian trade are we making now, as we go after heart disease, cancer, stroke and Alzheimer's?

Diseases are the tax on pleasures.

Nobody can quantify for you what's the impact of eating fiber every day, for instance. We can say we think it's good. But some people might say 'Oh, it reduces your risk of colon cancer by 20%, some people might say it reduces your risk by 25%.'

The journey of shedding weight was tough, but the only good thing was it did not take a toll on my health.

Long quaffing maketh a short lyfe.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Because tanning and steroids are only a problem if you plan to live a long time.

I respect so much the work that so many women do, but that's just not what I do. I have a job where I advertise yogurt that makes you poop, and people love it and tell me about their bowel movements, every day.

You pray for good health and a body that will be strong in old age. Good-but your rich foods block the gods' answer and tie Jupiter's hands.

The difference between trying to be fit and not being fit really means the difference between life and death.

A good reliable set of bowels is worth more to a man than any quantity of brains.

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

I have achieved my seventy years in the usual way: by sticking strictly to a scheme of life which would kill anybody else... I will offer here, as a sound maxim, this: That we can't reach old age by another man's road.

I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I've had chest x–rays, cardio stress tests, EKGs and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I don't have crazy, reckless sex with strangers. If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I'm gonna be really pissed.

Honey, Kate is not going to die sooner because you have one more glass of mine, or because you stay overnight in a hotel, or because you let yourself crack up at a bad joke. So sit your ass back down and turn up the volume and act like you're a normal person.

Once you start altering your body's blueprint, things start falling apart. Some players take steroids, and two years later, after they've broken records, suddenly they have back problems, shoulder problems, arm problems. They're out of the game for good.

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!

Coercion cannot but result in chaos in the end.