Bill Maher Quotes

That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, 'She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.

Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.

British politics, as the world knows, is a joke. Yet it's rarely funny.

Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He's irresistible to me. I mean, seriously, I want to pay less attention to him.

Every joke a President makes about himself is another barb that is taken out of the arsenal of his opponent.

I devised the Bert Lance Toe Test then - you go out on the front porch of the house, turn 'The Washington Post' over with your big toe, and if your name's above the fold, you know you're not going to have a good day.

Humor is a powerful tool, and some of these politicians are so far out and easy to lampoon. They just provide such delicious opportunity.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

The House has noticed the Prime Minister's remarkable transformation in the past few weeks, from Stalin to Mr. Bean.

Time magazine put Chris Christie on the cover with the caption, 'The Elephant in the Room.' And People magazine named him 'Sexiest Garbage Truck in a Suit.'

I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sarah Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing - Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said "Road Runner".

I think The New Yorker's cartoons aren't very political because the people who do the cartoons aren't awfully political people, and they aren't paid to be political. I think editorial cartoonists are. That's what they do. They probably have a great natural interest in politics, and then they are paid to do it, so they sort of have to hunt out these ideas. I admire editorial cartoons, but I'm also sort of happy that I don't do them because I'd hate to have to label things and I'd especially hate, more than anything, to label something Dennis Hastert or Mark Foley.

Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.

I would rather have written Fables in Slang than be President.

If you cannot attain knowledge without torturing a dog, you must do without knowledge.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

It's so funny that people think I actually ran for President. I am maybe the most un-political person you're ever going to meet. When I put "Elected" out, it was definitely a satire... "Alice Cooper for President"... when everybody realized I was running against Nixon, you known, even on a joke level, I think I got a lot of write-in votes.

A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a short time ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist.

My wife, Tania, is very big on dogs, so I'm always paying out to animal charities.

Dean's wife, Judith Steinberg, made a rare appearance with Dean. She's a doctor, so I guess they brought her in to stop the hemorrhaging.

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

I'm definitely voting for First Gentleman.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Kennedy didn't beat Nixon. Satire beat Nixon.

Thrilled that Gov. Romney enjoys my old character. I enjoyed the character he used 2 b 2. If he'd embrace that again, he'd b a great candidate.