Bill Maher Quotes

Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He's irresistible to me. I mean, seriously, I want to pay less attention to him.

Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.

Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.

Eww," Jack said, and then giggled. "Yeah, and a Paris Hilton doll that had an optional brain."Aphrodite raised her brow at him. "Don't go all crazy. There are some things even Paris Hilton can't buy.

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

I stole every nickel and blew it on fine threads, luxurious lodgings, fantastic foxes, and other sensual goodies. I partied in every capital in Europe and basked on all the world's most famous beaches.

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

I'll know I'm famous when I have five Ferraris, seven houses, Cameron Diaz on my arm and a little man following me with a huge bag of money.

Abraham Lincoln, who said, A house divided... is a condominium. Never got a dinner!

The thing about Donald [Trump] is the jokes write themselves. I don't even think of it to be trolling. What he says is the joke.

Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.

I don't have to have the biggest house or the biggest car or the longest mink, but quality of life is really glamorous.

The House has noticed the Prime Minister's remarkable transformation in the past few weeks, from Stalin to Mr. Bean.

I would rather have written Fables in Slang than be President.

Ronald Reagan has held the two most demeaning jobs in the country; President of the United States and radio broadcaster for the Chicago Cubs.

I think if she lived in A little shoe-house That little old woman was Surely a mouse!

It's so funny that people think I actually ran for President. I am maybe the most un-political person you're ever going to meet. When I put "Elected" out, it was definitely a satire... "Alice Cooper for President"... when everybody realized I was running against Nixon, you known, even on a joke level, I think I got a lot of write-in votes.

For my birthday, buy me a politician!

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her.

I wanna be a president for everyone in America. That's my goal, this what I will do, that's what I've done in my past.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.

I got 99 Problems but Mitt ain't one.

We demand that the government of Canada force Stockwell Day to change his first name to Doris. "Why do this," you may ask? Because it'll be fun.