Steven Wright Quotes

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Well, I actually tell my son that I don't have any hair because he asked me the same question that I gave it to him when he was born, so he actually still believes that. He's five years old.

Fake buckteeth make a joke that you don't have to make any effort on, even if you're not a funny person.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

She's just playing a trick on us. This is just an Alaska Young Prank Extraordinaire. It's Alaska being Alaska, funny and playful and not knowing when or how to put on the brakes.

You must be the brother. I hope so, I'm wearing his pants.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

It is not necessary for the public to know whether I am joking or whether I am serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it myself.

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of being. Because he had arranged the arms and legs in letters, and the letters spelled out a single small word: BOO. The three torsos were carefully arranged below the BOO in a quarter-circle, making a cute little Halloween smile. What a scamp.

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.

My brother was born without taste or the desire to be professionally lit.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

The first thing we did was change all the clocks so that her siblings thought it was bedtime, then put them to bed ignoring their plaintive protests that they were not tired. They wept themselves to sleep soon enough.