Demetri Martin Quotes

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I think I'm accidentally funny more so than thinking of it as a craft. I'm in awe of those comedians that know how to hit it again and again and again.

If people still trust me with a funny line, then that is fine. If that is what gets me work.

What's the difference between herpes and love? Herpes is forever.

Forever is a very long time, especially the bit towards the end.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

Don't be intimidated by my outfit, it's Forever 21.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?

I don't really know. I think the first test is when you're very little and you fart, and you laugh at it and so do your friends and family. I knew before I was funny I was very annoying so I have that covered. I think it was because I was not very good in school I used humor as a defense mechanism. When I started doing plays and stuff at school I decided that I was going to keep doing it until someone tells me to stop and get a real job.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

A funny person is funny only for so long, but a wit can sit down and go on being spellbinding forever.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady.

I think forever is an incorrect concept.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

I threw the opening pitch at a Blue Jays game, and after the pitch, the mascot asked me if I wanted him to sign the game ball, which I thought was funny. What would he write? "Best Wishes, Some Guy in a Bird Suit"?"

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.

It's not about knowing who you are. It's about thinkin you got there without takin anything with you. Your notions about startin over. or anybody's. You dont start over. That's what it's about. Every step you take is forever. You can't make it go away. None of it.