Jimmy Carr Quotes

Obamacare won't just bankrupt the country. It may bankrupt small businesses. It may bankrupt individuals.

And one game, as we know, can cost you a lot.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

We were all hit with sticker shock: $87 billion is a huge number.

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

Remember that every dollar saved by health care reform is a dollar less for somebody’s earnings.

I'm not incredibly wealthy. When you go through a divorce, that diminishes rapidly because you're supporting more than one household.

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.

Where the army is, prices are high; when prices rise the wealth of the people is exhausted.

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.

I don't know anything about the business side, but I know it's a very, very expensive decision to make, to put production on hold to make the story as good as possible.

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.

Come, agree, the law's costly.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.

The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

I threw the opening pitch at a Blue Jays game, and after the pitch, the mascot asked me if I wanted him to sign the game ball, which I thought was funny. What would he write? "Best Wishes, Some Guy in a Bird Suit"?"

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.