Jimmy Fallon Quotes

Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn't know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I'm one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I had pecs for about two days. Everyone would hate me. Just look at me walking around with my little peacoat on. My little customized pea coat.

A funny person is funny only for so long, but a wit can sit down and go on being spellbinding forever.

I mean, I am pretty fabulous. Am I not?' 'You're a pillar of fabulosity in the community,' I tell him.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

You can't eat a winner's plaque.

What I do know about physics is that to a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.' 'And yet it is still extremely funny.

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown?

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.